Bids for Connection: Examples and How to Respond
"Look at that bird." "Ugh, what a day." A meme sent at lunch. These tiny moments look like nothing, yet research suggests they quietly decide whether a relationship grows closer or drifts apart.
Quick answer
A bid for connection is any small attempt to get your partner's attention, interest or affection. You can turn toward it (respond), turn away (ignore it) or turn against it (respond with irritation). In Gottman's study of newlyweds, couples still together six years later had turned toward each other's bids about 86% of the time; couples who divorced, about 33%.
What is a bid for connection?
A bid is a small reach for connection. It can be a question, a comment, a touch, a sigh or a look. Underneath, it asks: "Are you with me? Do I matter to you?"
The term comes from psychologist John Gottman, who watched couples interact in everyday settings and noticed that relationships were shaped less by big moments than by how partners responded to these small ones.
15 everyday examples of bids
| Type | Examples |
|---|---|
| Attention | "Look at this." · Sending a link or photo · Pointing at something out the window |
| Conversation | "Guess what happened today." · "What do you think about...?" · Sharing a worry |
| Affection | Reaching for your hand · Leaning on your shoulder · A kiss in passing |
| Support | A heavy sigh · "I'm so tired." · "Can you help me with this?" |
| Play | A silly voice · An inside joke · "Race you to the car." |
Turning toward, away or against
Every bid gets one of three responses, and your partner registers all of them, even when neither of you says anything about it.
| Response | Example to "Look, a heron!" | What it signals |
|---|---|---|
| Turning toward | "Oh wow, where?" | You matter to me |
| Turning away | No reaction, eyes on phone | I didn't notice you |
| Turning against | "I'm trying to drive." | You're bothering me |
Turning toward doesn't require enthusiasm or a long conversation. A glance and "huh, cool" counts.
Why bids matter so much
In a study of newlyweds, couples who were still married six years later had turned toward each other's bids about 86% of the time. Couples who later divorced had turned toward them only about 33% of the time.
Each response is a small deposit or withdrawal in trust. When bids keep getting missed, people stop making them. That's often how couples start to feel like roommates without any single big fight.
Why we miss bids
- Phones and screens pull attention away at exactly the wrong moments.
- Stress and exhaustion narrow our focus to tasks.
- Some bids are subtle, like a sigh or a comment about the weather.
- After a conflict, we may be holding back on purpose.
How to get better at turning toward
- Learn your partner's typical bids. Some people ask questions, others share things, others touch.
- Make a rule for the first minutes after reuniting: phones down, faces up.
- When you can't respond fully, still acknowledge: "I want to hear this, give me two minutes."
- Notice your own bids too, and make them clearer when they're being missed.
- Thank your partner when they turn toward you. Appreciation makes it more likely to happen again.
What to do if your bids are ignored
Avoid keeping score. Instead, name it gently and specifically: "I've been trying to share things with you lately and it feels like they don't land. I miss talking to you." This is a bid too, and often a clearer one.
Many of Yennou's daily micro tasks are bids in disguise: small, warm ways to reach for your partner and to notice when they reach for you.
Common questions
What does turning toward mean?
Responding to your partner's bid with attention or interest. Even a short, kind acknowledgment counts.
Do I have to respond to every bid?
No. The research points to a pattern, not perfection. Responding most of the time builds trust.
What is an example of turning against a bid?
Your partner says "Listen to this song" and you reply "Not now, it's always music with you." The irritation is the problem, not saying not now.
Are bids the same as love languages?
No. Love languages describe how people prefer to give and receive love. Bids are the moment-to-moment reaches for connection, in any form.
Sources
Want a daily practice for this? Reconnect with your partner